Q:  I met a guy over the summer that I’m really interested in seeing, but we live in different cities. We flirted on facebook a bit and even hung out twice this summer. I emailed him and told him that I liked him and was curious to know how he felt about me. He stated that he wasn’t sure if we had any spark. And that maybe we need more time or maybe it just isn’t there. Since then, we’ve sent each other a few messages here and there but I’m afraid of coming off as too intrusive. Therefore, I am trying not to send him messages. I genuinely want him to be happy, but I’m still interested in him. What to do?

A:  I think that the best thing to do here is be straightforward.  Send him one more message saying that you like him, and would like to see him again.  If he doesn’t respond, or if he responds and says no, then you can know for sure that he’s not interested.  The thing that makes your situation difficult is that he told you a) he doesn’t think he’s interested, but b) maybe he will be in the future.  So then, you’re in the tough spot of not knowing whether to continue pursuing him, or whether to just give up.  So to clear the air, I’d make one last contact with a very clear “shit or get off the pot” message.  He needs to act now, or loose his chance, but you can’t sit around and wait for him to figure out if he wants you.

Q: hey amber my girlfriend is having trouble achieving an orgasm and cumming when we fool around. I really feel that if i get her to achieve orgasm with regularity it will help our relationship. Any help would be nice thanks.

A: Well, even if it doesn’t improve your relationship, getting her to have an orgasm with definitely improve your sex life. Here are some things that the two of you should work on:

1. She needs to masturbate. If she can achieve an orgasm on her own, it’s more likely that she’ll be able to teach you.
2. She needs to give you lots of verbal feedback about what feels good, and what doesn’t.
3. If you’re not sure about where the clitoris is, find it. The majority of women need their clitoris stimulated in order to have an orgasm (you might want to click on the it’s not a monster, it’s a vagina video here).

The one caution I would give is not to become overly obsessed with giving her an orgasm to the point that it becomes the black cloud over all of your sexual encounters. If sex becomes stressful because all you’re thinking about is whether or not she is going to get off, then she definitely won’t get off, and sex is going to feel like a chore. Maybe you should set aside a time when all the two of you are doing is concentrating on what feels good for her…more of a “sexual experiment time,” rather than a regular sexual encounter. The two of you can talk throughout the whole time about what feels good, and what doesn’t. Also, check out the trouble reaching an orgasm video here.

Q: I recently ended a two year relationship with a girl, and I have started seeing someone else. We’ve been hanging out for about 2 months now and we have sex occasionally. I do not want to get into another relationship at the moment, but it’s not like I go out and hookup with other girls. I like her company and she is a really nice girl, and I don’t want to hurt her. But, I also don’t want her or myself to become too attached. How should I deal with this situation.

A: You need to tell the girl you’re seeing exactly what you just told me. Explain that you just got out of a long relationship, and that you’re not ready to get into anything serious right now. Tell her that you really like being with her, but that emotionally, you’re not at a point where you can be completely attached to another person again. As long as you are honest with her about where you’re at, that’s all you can do. From there, she will have to decide if this is something that she wants to stay in, or if she wants to look for something more serious with someone else.

Q: male can’t use latex now what?

A:  Just because you can’t use latex doesn’t mean you’re off the hook using a condom.  There are condoms made out polyurethane that can also protect you against STDs and HIV.  These condoms may be slightly more expensive, but they’re also thinner, which may mean increased sensation. You should be able to find polyurethane condoms in most pharmacies.

Q: i have masturbated since before i can remember. i didn’t know what i was doing until just recently. is it dangerous to masturbate too much, or at too early an age? could it present problems when i want to have children?

A: First of all, nearly EVERYONE masturbates. Some people start at an early age, and some people don’t start until they are much older. But it is never dangerous to masturbate (as long as you’re not using any sort of object that is sharp or dirty). It won’t negatively affect your health, and will not cause any problems with becoming pregnant or having children. Masturbation is a healthy way to learn about what feels good to you sexually, and help you feel more in touch with your body. Definitely check out the masturbation video here.

Q:  is it necessary to clean your vagina even if you haven’t had sex?

A:  If by “clean your vagina” you mean douche, or stick soap up your vaginal hole, that is never a good idea.  Your vagina is self-cleaning (that’s what your discharge is for), and any perfumed product that you stick up it may cause an infection.  That said, it is ALWAYS necessary to clean your vaginal area, whether or not you’re having sex.  Just don’t stick anything up your vagina.

Q: To get right to the point, is it out of the ordinary if one of my breasts is almost a full cup size smaller than the other? Because of that, I feel awkward getting too intimate with any guys because he might think its weird. Do you think guys in general would consider it a turn off?

A: It is very common for girls to have two different sized breasts. In fact, nearly every woman has boobs that are different sizes (although usually the difference is smaller than a cup size). Everyone has things about their body that make them insecure, but generally the things that bother us about our bodies make a bigger difference in our own lives than in anyone else’s. If a guy really likes you, he’s not going to stop seeing you because you have two different sized breasts. I also don’t think most guys would see it as a turn off—although a guy might be extra interested in looking at your breast because of it, it shouldn’t gross him out.
At the end of the day though, I think a lot has to do with how you present it. If you’re hooking up with a guy, acting confident, your shirt comes off, you mention, “you may notice this…but my breasts are different sizes,” and act like it’s no big deal, a guy is likely to see it as no big deal. On the other hand, if you’re acting like you’re not that into hooking up with the guy, obviously keep trying to hide your body, and act ashamed of your breasts—then a guy is more likely to think it’s a big deal, since it clearly affects how much you enjoy being sexual. People generally follow other people’s leads, and if you act like your different sized breasts are nothing to be too concerned about, than chances are, a guy won’t be too concerned about it either.

I had been dating my boyfriend for about a month when I made the mistake of asking him to tell me a secret. I really liked him, and was trying to up the intimacy by talking about something that was personal. So one night as we were lying in bed watching TV I said, “Tell me a secret.”

“What do you mean a secret?” he asked.
“You know, something no one else knows.”
“Well…” he thought for a second. “You fart in your sleep.”

Silence…

“Yeah, the other night I woke up to a farting noise, and I was kinda embarrassed because I thought it was me. But then I realized it was you.”

Silence…

“What?” He recoiled his arm from behind my head, “What did you expect me to say?”

“I…I don’t know. But not that.”

“Well, you said ‘something no one else knew’…no one else knows that you fart in your sleep.”

I didn’t understand. Was he mentally deficient? How could he possibly think that was an acceptable answer?

To me, this story epitomizes the communication problem between men and women. By saying, “Tell me a secret,” I thought I was saying “I want to get to know you better.” In which case, telling me that I fart in my sleep is really just avoiding the issue. The guy I was dating, on the other hand, took the question at face value:

A SECRET = SOMETHING NO ONE ELSE KNOWS

Technically, yes, probably not too many people know that I fart in my sleep. So as far as he was concerned, he had answered the question.

As a girl, it can be all too easy to dismiss guys as complete boneheads who just don’t get it. In defense, some guys claim that girls are overly complex nut jobs. But guys aren’t dumb, and girls aren’t crazy, it’s just that very often we don’t communicate the same way.

The problem with how girls communicate is that we don’t always say exactly what we mean. Maybe we’re afraid of being too confrontational, too demanding, or coming across as too sensitive. Whatever the reason, what we actually say may not match up completely with the thought we want to express. When we’re talking to other girls that’s okay, because they know to pay attention to how we said something, how we might be feeling, or the deeper meaning and bigger picture behind our words. But generally speaking, guys don’t listen that way.

Most guys hear things on a surface level. Word for word. The exact thought that was conveyed. And that is what he will respond to. If what you said isn’t exactly what you meant, his response may seem completely idiotic and totally off-base.  Then, you get pissed at him for not understanding, and he thinks you’re crazy because he simply responded to what he heard.

When you’re talking to a guy about something important, sometimes you’ve just gotta spell it out. Not because guys are dumb, but because you can’t expect them to read your mind. As much as you can, be as straightforward and precise as possible—especially when you’re fighting, or trying to explain how you feel. And if a guy says something seemingly offensive of dense, before you get too pissed, think first about how he could have interpreted your words. But guys, as a general rule, telling a girl she farts is rarely a good idea…in any situation.

(Disclaimer: everyone is different, and not all guys are one way, and all girls another–but I do believe we tend to fall into similar patterns.)

    Q: About two weeks ago I made out with a guy I sort of knew in high school. Then, we played phone tag, facebooked back and forth, and made plans to meet up the next weekend.  We ended up back to his place and things progress to him starting to unbutton my pants. I tell him I’m not ready just yet, he says, we don’t have to be in a relationship to have fun …my response is well yeah, im just not ready yet (only because if were gonna have sex i want to make sure we’re on the same page and that he doesn’t have std’s, etc.). Everything seemed fine the next morning, but now he won’t return my phone calls, texts, or facebook messages.  Did he only want a one-night stand but not want to admit it?

A: First off, I think that you have an awesome approach to sex…wanting to make sure that you’re both on the same page.  I think that approach is going to help keep you out of bad situations.  As far as your current boy drama, I would say, take things at surface value.  If he won’t return any effort you make to get in touch with him, most likely he’s not interested in any sort of relationship with you.  If he ignores you until late one night after he’s been out on the town, then I’d say that’s a sign that he’s looking to have sex with you, but that’s it.  If that ends up happening, I would resist any urge you might have to go see him…do you really want to hook up with a guy who ignores you?  Realistically, that’s just going to make you feel like crap in the long run.

As far as having made multiple attempts to get in touch with him, this is my take:  doing that is kinda like pressing the elevator button over and over again—it doesn’t make the elevator arrive any faster.  Likewise, you can keep trying to contact him as much as you want to, but if he’s made up his mind that he’s not interested, he won’t get back to you.

I know it’s hard to admit to yourself that things aren’t going to work out when you like a guy.  But it’s always best to be honest with yourself, and the situation, and if all signs point to D bag, get out.

Q:  I recently started having sex with this girl who insists I wear a condom. Don’t get me wrong, I am not against wearing condoms, but for some reason I cannot “perform” the same with a condom. I am not sure if it is just mental thing or possibly a physical thing. I would say in my past I rarely, if ever, used a condom. I am not a man whore or anything, but just had some long relationships before this new girl. I doubt using a condom takes getting used to, but I was curious if this was common for other guys who rarely use condoms.

A: By “perform” I’m going to have to assume that you are referring to how hard you are able to get. My guess is that this has very little to do with the fact that you’re wearing condoms, and more to do with the anxiety you may be having sleeping with a new partner.  Some scientists believe that 80% of all erectile problems are caused by something mental, as opposed to something physical, so I would say that it’s probably not the condoms fault.  When you were with your long term girlfriend I’m sure that you were very comfortable around her, so you weren’t nervous when having sex.  With this new girl, there’s more pressure to impress her, and nothing kills an erection like being anxious.  I bet the longer you are with this girl, the better your performance will be, even with a condom.  I’d say, stick it out.