Whenever one of my friends or I had a really bad experience with a guy we’d say, “Forget guys, I’m switching over to women.” But even though we easily joked about deciding to become a lesbian, we were tight-lipped about whether we had ever actually had a crush on another girl. Admitting that we had had sexual feelings towards another girl was about as hard ‘fessing up to the fact that we masturbated. However, just like that confession, once the door was open the stories came pouring out:

“There was this red headed girl at basketball camp who was beautiful, and I definitely liked liked her.”

“Sometimes if I see a girl stripping or something in a movie, I get a little turned on.”

“I’ve had dreams where I’m having sex with another girl.”

Almost all girls have had some sort of sexual feelings for another girl, or have at some point questioned their sexual orientation. Many people believe that sexual preference is a continuum, with completely straight on one end and completely gay on the other. Realistically, we’re all somewhere on that continuum, in between those two points. Some people like a little milk in their coffee, and some people like a little coffee in their milk.

So…if it’s normal for straight girls to sometimes have crushes on other girls, how do you know if you’re actually a lesbian or bisexual? You know because sexual orientation is about what you prefer most of the time. I mean, you’re still a vegetarian even if one night you crave a steak. If most of your sexual feelings are directed toward guys, you’re probably straight. If guys don’t really do it for you, and you’re having lots of sexual thoughts about other girls, you may be either bisexual or a lesbian. (If neither one really does it for you, then chances are you’re just not ready to be sexual with anyone yet—no matter which gender).

The most important thing to remember about your sexual preference is that it isn’t about who you’ve hooked up with, it’s about who you’re attracted to. And this is where some girls get into trouble. Realizing that you may be homosexual can be very scary for many people. Some girls think that hooking up with a lot of guys will make them straight. Others may keep hooking up with different guys in an attempt to find one they’re attracted to, or as a test to see if maybe they can like guys after all. However,carelessly hooking up with people just puts you at risk for an unwanted pregnancy and STDs, isn’t going to make your sexual orientation any clearer, or make you straight.

If you think you might be a lesbian, the best thing you can do is talk with someone else about it, write about it, or spend time thinking about it yourself. If you want to talk to someone but aren’t ready to tell anyone else you know, there are plenty of places online where you can talk about your feelings anonymously and read about other people’s experiences.

Some girls feel a lot of pressure to identify themselves as straight or gay. However, as pressing as figuring out your sexual orientation may feel, most likely no one is actually forcing you to make a one-size-fits-all declaration about your sexual preference or forcing you to stick to that decision for the rest of your life. A friend of mine who—if forced—identifies herself as “bi-sexual with a preference towards women,” hates putting a label on her sexuality. Her stance is, “I’m me. And I love who I love.” And that is a specific enough label for her.

For more information about sexual preference and homosexuality, please click on the resources page.

Q: I met this girl the other day, and we really hit it off, but I never got her number. Would it be sketchy to ask around through mutual friends to get it?

A: You should absolutely get her number and, from a girl’s perspective, I think it would be sketchy if you didn’t. If you really hit it off with her, she’s probably wondering why you didn’t get her didgets in the first place, thinking: “Does he have a girlfriend?” “Is he just generally a flirt?” “Is he actually not interested in me?” Generally speaking, people freak out too much about the “Should I/should I not call” situation. If a girl likes a guy she’ll be excited to hear from him; if she doesn’t like the guy, she could give a crap if she hears from him. How you get her number won’t change how she feels about you. If she already thinks you’re sketchy and doesn’t like you, your call won’t be to blame.

Q: Does having sex burn a lot of calories?

A: The amount of calories that you burn while having sex really depends on what position you’re doing it in, if you’re the one on top, and how long it lasts. Honestly, you’d probably burn more calories going for a walk–and given that the average length of time that sex lasts is 10 minutes, you last longer walking anyway. But really, if you’re thinking about the number of calories you’re burning while you’re having sex, I’d say it’s a sign that you’re not that excited about either the act or your partner, and probably want to reconsider doing it in the first place.

Q: Literally all my friends have had sex, I haven’t, and I feel left out, and like when other people talk about it, I don’t fit in. How can I still fit in and talk to my friends without having sex?

A: Just because you haven’t had sex doesn’t mean that you can’t be part of a conversation about it. You can always ask your friends questions about their experiences (people love talking about themselves), and you can add your two cents about how you think you would feel in the situation being discussed. In my experience, most conversations about sex have more to do with the emotions and fears that sex can bring up (”It was so weird being naked in front of him,” “I was afraid that he’s think my vagina is ugly,” “Balls are so strange looking”). Those are issues that you may be able to relate to even if you’re a virgin. If your friends really care about you, they‘ll want you to have sex when you’re ready, not because you want something to talk about.

The day after I lost my virginity I felt like everyone could tell. I wasn’t sure how they could tell, but it felt like they just knew. The guy at the coffee shop, the mechanic at the tire center, the friends that I hadn’t told yet. Was I walking funny?

Conversations about losing your virginity, or thinking about losing your virginity, can be some of the best ever. And if you’re trying to figure out whether or not you’re ready for sex, hearing other people’s thoughts definitely helps even though ultimately you have to decide on your own. Do you have a story about losing you virginity? Almost losing your virginity? Deciding not to lose your virginity? Do tell!