I had been dating my boyfriend for about a month when I made the mistake of asking him to tell me a secret. I really liked him, and was trying to up the intimacy by talking about something that was personal. So one night as we were lying in bed watching TV I said, “Tell me a secret.”

“What do you mean a secret?” he asked.
“You know, something no one else knows.”
“Well…” he thought for a second. “You fart in your sleep.”

Silence…

“Yeah, the other night I woke up to a farting noise, and I was kinda embarrassed because I thought it was me. But then I realized it was you.”

Silence…

“What?” He recoiled his arm from behind my head, “What did you expect me to say?”

“I…I don’t know. But not that.”

“Well, you said ‘something no one else knew’…no one else knows that you fart in your sleep.”

I didn’t understand. Was he mentally deficient? How could he possibly think that was an acceptable answer?

To me, this story epitomizes the communication problem between men and women. By saying, “Tell me a secret,” I thought I was saying “I want to get to know you better.” In which case, telling me that I fart in my sleep is really just avoiding the issue. The guy I was dating, on the other hand, took the question at face value:

A SECRET = SOMETHING NO ONE ELSE KNOWS

Technically, yes, probably not too many people know that I fart in my sleep. So as far as he was concerned, he had answered the question.

As a girl, it can be all too easy to dismiss guys as complete boneheads who just don’t get it. In defense, some guys claim that girls are overly complex nut jobs. But guys aren’t dumb, and girls aren’t crazy, it’s just that very often we don’t communicate the same way.

The problem with how girls communicate is that we don’t always say exactly what we mean. Maybe we’re afraid of being too confrontational, too demanding, or coming across as too sensitive. Whatever the reason, what we actually say may not match up completely with the thought we want to express. When we’re talking to other girls that’s okay, because they know to pay attention to how we said something, how we might be feeling, or the deeper meaning and bigger picture behind our words. But generally speaking, guys don’t listen that way.

Most guys hear things on a surface level. Word for word. The exact thought that was conveyed. And that is what he will respond to. If what you said isn’t exactly what you meant, his response may seem completely idiotic and totally off-base.  Then, you get pissed at him for not understanding, and he thinks you’re crazy because he simply responded to what he heard.

When you’re talking to a guy about something important, sometimes you’ve just gotta spell it out. Not because guys are dumb, but because you can’t expect them to read your mind. As much as you can, be as straightforward and precise as possible—especially when you’re fighting, or trying to explain how you feel. And if a guy says something seemingly offensive of dense, before you get too pissed, think first about how he could have interpreted your words. But guys, as a general rule, telling a girl she farts is rarely a good idea…in any situation.

(Disclaimer: everyone is different, and not all guys are one way, and all girls another–but I do believe we tend to fall into similar patterns.)

In a cynical moment late one night, my friend and I came up with the 85% rule. The 85% rule assumes that soul mates don’t exist, and that if you spent your life looking for someone who was 100% perfect, you’d spend your whole life alone and searching. It was far more realistic to look until you found someone you were 85% happy with, and just stop there. The 85% rule was our answer to the question, when do you stop looking for the perfect mate, and settle for one that is good enough.

As pessimistic as this sounds at first glance, rationally, it makes sense. Who are we to go looking for perfection anyway? We’re not perfect, life’s not perfect, and why should we expect a relationship or a partner to be. Being with someone who you occasionally argue or disagree with keeps you in check. It challenges the way you act, your beliefs, and generally keeps you from becoming a pig headed egomaniac. Would your “soul mate” be able to challenge who you are, and how you think? Or would they be so similar to you, and so smitten that you always got your way?

Finding the “perfect mate” assumes we know what’s best for us. But so much of life is trial and error, that often it’s impossible to predict what’s best. We’re warned to be “careful what we wish for” because often the things we think we want don’t work out as well as we thought they would. The thing about perfection is that it’s boring. In a person, as well as in a relationship. If we were 100% compatible with someone, the relationship would be dull, beaver-cleaver, and most likely the sex would suck. It’s people’s imperfections that make them loveable and unique. And how can we predict those imperfections ahead of time?

I’m not encouraging anyone to settle for whatever schmuck rolls in off the street, I’m simply saying not to take a good thing for granted just because it isn’t “perfect,” and not to give up on someone too easily. But always know the line between compromising and settling. While all relationships involve some compromise, that’s different from settling for someone who you’re not very happy with. If at the end of the day you’re with someone you’re excited to come home to, who treats you well, and who you enjoy talking with (and you’re attracted to of course), that’s as good as it gets.

I don’t believe that you will ever find your soul mate. But that’s because I don’t think soul mates are found, I think they’re made. When my grandparents met in the 40’s, was there no one else out there that could have made them happy—probably not. But after 50 years of marriage, 4 kids, and a full life together, there is no way that anyone else on the planet could have completed either one of them in the way that they completed each other. If soul mates do exist, they exist after some work, and maybe they come in packages that we don’t expect them to. Maybe when we’re looking for a soul mate, the key is to change what we’re looking for…look for 85, not 100.

7/04/06. Worst first date ever. A guy I had met just days earlier asked me to his friends 4th of July party. I didn’t think that the few year age difference would be that bad until I showed up armed with a Busch Light in either hand, and the opening line, “Anyone wanna chug a beer?”
“Who are you?” the cocktail dress-wearing hostess asked me.
“Oh, I’m a uh…friend of Steve’s. I was kidding about the beer thing…” I set my two beer cans down on the counter, “I just didn’t want to come empty handed, and this was all I had.”
Pretty quickly, I put the pieces together. Crab dip. Color coordinated furniture. Gin and tonics—good Gin in glass bottles…not crappy plastic handles of rat gut booze. Mostly couples.

Holy shit. I was at an adult party. And it wasn’t my scene. I’m sure that my date could tell too, because I was acting pretty quiet and standoffish. I was nervous, uncomfortable, and probably everything I said sounded either really lame, or really stupid. The kicker came when mid conversation I decided to sit down on top of a cooler. The slightly open lid slipped off, and I slid ass first into the ice water. I was stuck. Knees to chest, feet flopping, all eyes on me: “Who brought this girl? And why is her ass in the cooler with the good Belgium beer?”

First dates can be rough. That’s because good first dates depend on good first impressions, and that’s not always easy to pull off. But as many of us have completely botched a first impression, the majority will quickly dismiss a potential date based on only a few minutes of conversation, or an awkward first encounter. Then, we complain about how hard it is to meet people, how all the good ones are taken, how we never meet anyone cool when we go out. But what if there are awesome, completely dateable people around us all the time…it’s just that we don’t know it because we’re putting too much stock into first impressions.

They say the SAT doesn’t measure you’re intelligence, it measures how good you are at taking the SAT. I think first impressions are the same way. Making a good first impression doesn’t mean that someone is an amazing catch, it just means that they’re good at making a first impression. An impression is just a snap shot of how someone acted for a few hours, on one day of their life, in one situation. Date wise, often that situation is high stress, uncomfortable, and both people are nervous. In that setting, it’s pretty hard to get yourself to come across as cool.

How well can you really get to know anyone in a few hours, or even a few days? Anyone who’s been though college can tell you about all the friends they hung out with during freshman orientation. The first few days they’re your best friends, and a year later you’ve realized, “she’s crazy, he’s a jerk, and he’s a self indulgent snob,” and you’re hanging out with different people. Think of all your really close friends. Were you sold after only a few hours with them? Not likely. Chances are, you figured out how much you liked them over some period of time. And if we were less judgmental, that’s how dating could work as well—not all couples click immediately.

I’m not saying that you can’t tell anything from a first impression, but you can’t tell everything, and that’s important to remember. So give the losers a chance, huh? Not the complete D-bags—because someone who flat out sucks may show that right away—but the potential partners who may seem a little too quiet, too opinionated, too awkward, or who doesn’t have the most fascinating things to say. Everyone’s made a bad first impression, an okay first impression, and a great first impression, but no type of impression can ever represent the whole package, and it’s the whole package that you get when you date someone.

Last night I got a facebook message from my dad.  My 55 year-old, “I rent backhoes and dig holes in the backyard for fun” dad.  I freaked out.  What was my dad doing on facebook? Was he going to start adding all my friends to his friend list? It felt oddly embarrassing—as if he had busted into a party with a wine cooler.  What was he doing there?

I can’t remember the last time I felt embarrassed by something one of my parents did.  I thought that was something you got over after moving out of the house.  But then it dawned on me: as a kid, it’s always weird to see your parents doing things that you and your friends do.  We get so wrapped up in seeing them as a “parent” that even once we’re adults it’s hard to see them as peers.  And that exact thought, only reversed, is in my opinion the reason that so many parents have a tough time dealing with the idea of their kids having sex; because your child will always seem like your child, even when they’re becoming an adult, and one of your peers.

Like your first land lord, or your first gray hair, having children who are old enough to be having sex has to be an aging milestone. And as a parent, it has to be weird to see your kid doing something that you consider an “adult activity.” And while many parents are concerned about STDs, pregnancy, and the heartbreak and reputation that can come along with having sexual relationships, some parents simply cannot deal with the idea of their son or daughter becoming sexually active.

As a result, many people have a “don’t ask/don’t tell” sex policy with their parents. And that’s too bad.  If I wasn’t able to go to my mom at times I was scared I was pregnant, or ask her to take me to the gyno to get birth control pills, entering the world of sex would have been a whole lot tougher.

Being able to talk to your parents (or even a parent) about sex makes everything much easier.  Getting a second opinion, helping you schedule appointments with a doctor, and having someone more experienced to talk to will do nothing but make sexual health issues easier to deal with.  I’m not saying you should sit down and give your parents a detailed steamy run down of your sex life, but telling them that you’re planning to—or are—having sex is probably a good bet.

If your parents haven’t brought up the issue of sex, chances are, it’s because they feel just as awkward and embarrassed talking about it as you do.  It doesn’t necessarily mean that they’re unwilling to talk to you about it, only that they’ve been too wussy to bring it up.  Many people won’t tell their parents they’re having sex because they’re afraid of the reaction they might get.  Initially, yeah, your parents might freak out a bit at the idea—the whole “my kid is old enough to do that” thing.  But once they get over the initial shock factor, they’re likely to be a great resource.

  Hint: when you’re talking to your parents about sex, it may be helpful to start with something along the lines of: “I know that it must be tough for you to think about me being an adult, and doing adult things. But I want to be honest with you, and I want you to help me be safe. So I want to tell you…I’m getting laid (or maybe make that last part more tactful).

The only thing worse than being dumped is being the person who who has to do the dumping.  If you’re being broken up with, at least the situation is out of your control and all you have to do is deal with the news.  When you’re the one breaking up with someone, you have to deal with possible guilt or indecision, and you have to be the one who figures out when, where, and how to pull the trigger.

A question I hear all the time is: “What’s a nice way to break-up with someone?” Honestly, if you’re going to dump someone, forget the word nice.  Breakups aren’t nice, and the chance that yours is going to be all bunnies and lollipops is pretty slim.  That said, you can make a breakup fair…

When it’s over, end it.  Most people are breakup procrastinators.  They know the relationship needs to end, but they don’t want to deal with the emotions of a breakup, so they let the end drag out and that often leads to cheating.  Ironically, many people who cheat at the end of a relationship will say they cheated because they don’t want to hurt their partner’s feelings by breaking up with them…. sketchy.  If you know the relationship is over (i.e. you’re starting to/ thinking about cheating), break up with your current partner first.

Don’t make the other person do your dirty work.  I remember that my first few “you call me every night, so we’re dating” middle school boyfriends were big fans of this move: “I’ll just be a jerk, so she’ll dump me.”  It’s not fair to just stop calling someone, make excuses to not see someone, or just generally be rude or standoffish because you aren’t happy in your relationship. Don’t try to make yourself so hard to deal with that your partner has to dump you.  If you want to end a relationship, grow a pair and do it yourself.

Be honest-ish.  Anyone you’ve been dating deserves a certain amount of truth about why you’re breaking up them.  This is not to say that you can’t sugarcoat it a little bit (you don’t always have to be brutally honest), but don’t fall back on the “it’s not you, it’s me” excuses.  People who are being broken up with generally need closure, and part of that closure is knowing exactly what about them didn’t work for you.  Hearing “I’m too busy for a relationship right now” or “I just want to spend more time with my friends” doesn’t give much feedback.

Once you’ve ended it, be decisive.  If you want an ex to hate you, continue hooking up with them after you’ve ended the relationship.  Just because you want to break up with someone doesn’t mean that you won’t miss them from time to time.  When you do miss them, have the restraint to stick to your guns. It’s normal to feel lonely when you’re used to having a significant other, but don’t mistake that loneliness for the epiphany that maybe you should be together after all; remember that you broke up with them for a reason.  If after much thought and reconsideration you decide that you want to get back together, that’s one thing.  But if it’s 2 a.m. on Saturday, you just left a party, and you find yourself pining for your ex, break your phone, get a slice of pizza, and go to bed.

People enter into relationships knowing that they might end.  The possibility that things won’t work out is clear from the very beginning—people know what they’re signing up for.   Don’t feel guilty about having to break up with someone, feel guilty about going about it the wrong way.  Being fair and honest with your partner, and doing your best to give them whatever closure they need, is all anyone can ask for out of a breakup.